Well now that just seems silly, doesn’t it? I mean, how can you command respect and grow your integrity while agreeing to everything?
Simple, it depends on what you are agreeing to and how you are agreeing.
All Posts in this Series:
- I Love You but I’m Not In Love With You, Meaning and Advice
- It’s Normal for Your Heart to be Afraid, but fighting for the Past Will Mean the End, So Start Accepting Your New Beginning
- What do I do with this Broken Heart? Avoid Requests for Space and Use Your Head to Think about what You Want
- Once Upon a Time We were Happy, and Suddenly it’s Over? The Heart Heals Slowly, don’t Fear the Future
- Intentions do not Win Hearts, Actions are the Secret, How to Start Connecting Today for a Happier Tomorrow
- Say Yes to Everything and Reveal the Secret of the Heart ⇐ You are Here
- Learn to Speak the Language of the Heart
- Become a Sex Master and Learn How to Heal the Heart with the Body
- It’s Time to Get Some Help, Starting Today
- Rekindling the Flame Can Sometimes Burn Too Hot, Use Caution While Reconnecting
- Some Words about Physical, Sexual, Verbal and Emotional Abuse
But here’s the point, during the time while you are attempting to reconcile, you have to be very careful. Just about everything you do or say is going to be under scrutiny.
During this most fragile time you are going to have to, more or less, give over complete control. It’s not comfortable or fun, but it is necessary.
You are trying to buy time and you have to be reasonable and open to change in order to sincerely change.
That’s where this strategy comes in. There are going to be times that you will need to leverage this strategy while you are trying to gain information; then again when you are trying to reestablish your integrity; and yet again when you are dealing with things that you yourself need.
There will come a time that you are going to disagree, it is crucial that during this time you approach everything from a place of respect, but with firm intent to stand your ground. This goes for both men and women!
Remember, if you don’t get through this with your self-respect, and with your partner respecting you, then even if you’re together, you’ve lost! Then, any type of disagreement or assertiveness after the fact…will simply make it look like you’re back peddling and you’ll lose ground.
One thing that I think I should note because it’s likely not obvious. From time to time, you will lose ground. Nobody’s perfect, and there will be days that seem like no progress has been made toward reconciliation. In fact, there will be days where you feel like not only have you gained nothing, but instead you’ll feel like you’ve actually lost ground…that it all seems futile.
Do what you need to do to get through those days. If you normally drink and feel the need to have a beer or two, or a glass of wine, then do it, just don’t get drunk and do NOT try to have any kind of meaningful conversations while under the influence.
If you find you and your lover embarking on any kind of meaningful conversation and either one of you have had more than one drink, figure out a way to get out of it. Either change the subject, or get really tired and go to bed, play a game of cribbage or anything, just don’t let the conversation continue.
Having conversations about the topics you both inevitably need to discuss without a clear mind is a recipe for disaster. Believe me, I’ve done that too and 100% of the time things went south!
I know, some of you are probably people reading this and gasping! Did he just condone drinking? You could take it that way, or you could embrace the fact that sometimes humans need a little artificial numbness and if you already drink, then some moderated time with your beverage of choice, especially with a responsible and sympathetic friend could be a benefit. If you don’t drink, do not start now!
Another way to “self medicate” that is far more positive is to do something active. Go for a walk, or a run, or get a punching bag, or take yoga, find something that will keep you active. I personally walked more miles during my time in lovers limbo than at any other time in my life. I also beat the hell out of a stand up punching bag, to ferret out those emotions that were a little more…anger driven.
Walking especially helps you to reflect, pray, meditate or do whatever you need to do to help you cope with, and process, what is happening and being discussed. You’ll be thinking about past conversations, and you’ll catch a whiff of a smell that will remind you days long gone, or a child playing that will help you fit a missing piece in that you’d forgotten.
This is a great time to be worrying about your health! You’ll find that it occupies your mind, it makes both mind and body more whole, and healthy. This increased fitness will serve to get internal juices flowing in ways they may not have flowed in years.
The irony is that once you realize how much better it makes you feel by giving you a break from the pain, the more you’ll begin to almost obsess over it. This is one of the times when exercising becomes a release, and you’ll truly look forward to it.
Hormones will start flowing better, pheromones get produced, your body starts to become more fit. These are the physical tools that will help your partner remember why they fell in love with you.
That’s one of the main points here. It is entirely possible, that while you were dealing with the events of the world over the last however many years, that you may have actually lost yourself. It’s possible that you don’t like yourself as much as you used to. Find yourself, and you might just find that person your partner committed their love to!
Another thing you can do to get through tough days is read. But don’t just read anything, read something that is going to help you get back to where you need to be in your relationship.
A book that is the basis of this topic and that helped me immeasurably is “Connecting Through Yes”.
This is one of the main books that became a veritable “bible” for me, helping me to better communicate not just with my wife, but with co-workers, my children, and just plain made me a better communicator.
Communication is something that you need many tools to be effective at, and this book provides several more “arrows” to your communication “quiver”.
While this book helped me with communication overall, it’s primarily about connecting with your significant other.
So rather than repeating everything here that’s in the book, I strongly recommend you get your hands on it and make this your “secret weapon” in helping you to communicate better with your lover.
Go to the next step in your journey: Learn to Speak the Language of the Heart