Reconnecting and Rekindling
Once you’ve begun the process of reconnecting and rekindling that flame that so nearly sputtered into darkness, the journey is far from over.
Now things start to get interesting, and there will be times that it seems the darkness that almost enveloped you is safely in your past…then something will happen.
All Posts in this Series:
- I Love You but I’m Not In Love With You, Meaning and Advice
- It’s Normal for Your Heart to be Afraid, but fighting for the Past Will Mean the End, So Start Accepting Your New Beginning
- What do I do with this Broken Heart? Avoid Requests for Space and Use Your Head to Think about what You Want
- Once Upon a Time We were Happy, and Suddenly it’s Over? The Heart Heals Slowly, don’t Fear the Future
- Intentions do not Win Hearts, Actions are the Secret, How to Start Connecting Today for a Happier Tomorrow
- Say Yes to Everything and Reveal the Secret of the Heart
- Learn to Speak the Language of the Heart
- Become a Sex Master and Learn How to Heal the Heart with the Body
- It’s Time to Get Some Help, Starting Today
- Rekindling the Flame Can Sometimes Burn Too Hot, Use Caution While Reconnecting ⇐ You are Here
- Some Words about Physical, Sexual, Verbal and Emotional Abuse
For a long time after you both begin truly healing, there’s going to be a “rawness” that surfaces from no and again. Maybe because one of you gets defensive, and one or both of you get angry, and ultimately you end up fighting. Maybe one of you simply had a bad day. Maybe you just feel more distant for no reason that you can put your finger on.
It’s kind of interesting how a day can spiral into a negative attitude, and often it’s the silliest things that set it down the wrong path.
Understand that the two of you are still going to have disagreements and will likely argue and fight. You’re still human and you both have to be able to, and willing to, stand your respective ground. What’s different is that nagging in the back of your head wondering if they’re just going to bail, and from their perspective, they’re likely wondering if you are “backsliding” like they perhaps “thought you would”.
Do NOT let these feelings and thoughts rule you! It’s not easy, but you’ve come way too far. Lean on the triumphs, the beliefs that have been fostered and grown, the facts that you know are real.
Just remember all that you’ve gained from your experience. Remember the lessons you’ve learned.
Sometimes, in fact many times, you are going to have to be the rational one, even if that wasn’t the role you played in the past.
You are going to have to take a step back, calm down your partner letting them know it’s “ok”. Things are fine. They don’t have to be angry, you can both talk about things in a rational, loving, respectful manner.
Remember to “connect through yes”. This will reinforce to your partner that things are still good, they’re still improving and that you aren’t backsliding. When you witness your partner relax even a little, that will reinforce your new way of seeing things, and you’ll both know that it’s going to be alright.
For my wife and I, there were plenty of times that she would have a visceral reaction to a situation, primarily because that’s how we operated for 20 years.
It took more than a year to get her to trust that I wasn’t going to “fly off the handle”. It took me constantly, calmly, reminding her that she “didn’t have to be mad” or “defend against anything” and to reassure her that I was not “attacking” her.
I would remind her that I was listening, and I was open to what she had to say.
Teasing and mocking each other in a respectful fun manner can be something that you can enjoy, it’s only abusive when there’s an undercurrent of resentment, distrust or disrespect.
Backhanded compliments like, “thanks for picking up that mess in the living room, you do a great job when you want to”, are things to avoid.
The point is, don’t let up. Make sure you continue to make time for each other. Do things together.
Learn games like cribbage or other pastimes that two people can do. If your kids are around, get them involved and do it regularly.
In our house, there’s no such thing as “game night”. Any day or night can be “game night”. Quick simple games are a great way to get people involved.
Keep a deck of cards handy, and if your daughter sits down to talk to you, while you are listening, just start dealing a few cards out and talk over a game of whatever. It just needs to be something that isn’t complex so the discussion is the point, and the activity just something to fill the gaps.
That approach tends to cause people to spend more time, more thoroughly engage in conversations and laughter often a natural outcome. These are the memories that are to be cherished.
If you find yourself sitting in front of the TV and it feels like you’ve been there forever, ask your partner if they’d like to:
- Play a game
- Go for a walk
- Go get a drink
- Go dancing (taking dance lessons together is an amazing way to reconnect)
- Look at old pictures
- Plan a vacation
- Fix that cupboard door, light fixture, whatever
- Make lunch, dinner, a snack
The point is, do something and do it together.
As mentioned in the above list, learning how to dance by taking lessons together can be a great way to break back in with each other, as well as staying connected once you’ve gotten past the hard stuff. Try some old easy favorites like swing and other two-step varieties, maybe ballroom, probably best to work up to salsa though J.
Relationships take work, that’s what they mean when you hear people talk about commitment. It’s something you have to invest time into!
Keep it up, I guarantee that nothing is so rewarding than hitting a disaster like you just did, and coming through it stronger and more appreciative of each other and yourselves.
You’ll ultimately be stronger and more dedicated to your partner, your relationship and yourself.
Don’t let up, keep going even when you don’t think you can, you will get through this!
Go to the next step in your journey: Some Words about Physical, Sexual, Verbal and Emotional Abuse