It’s Normal for Your Heart to be Afraid, but fighting for the Past Will Mean the End, So Start Accepting Your New Beginning

By | January 23, 2017
Broken Hearts can Heal

I know…it’s a shattering experience to suddenly be faced with the potential loss of someone that you never imagined life without.  You’re probably thinking things like:

  • It seems so sudden!
  • Where the hell did this come from?!
  • Is there someone else?
  • What did I do that was so wrong?
  • I thought we were fine! What reason could she or he possibly have for ending us?
  • How can you love me but not be in love with me? What does that even mean?

These are likely only a few of the questions that have been reeling through your mind.

All Posts in this Series:

  1. I Love You but I’m Not In Love With You, Meaning and Advice
  2. It’s Normal for Your Heart to be Afraid, but fighting for the Past Will Mean the End, So Start Accepting Your New Beginning ⇐ You are Here
  3. What do I do with this Broken Heart? Avoid Requests for Space and Use Your Head to Think about what You Want
  4. Once Upon a Time We were Happy, and Suddenly it’s Over? The Heart Heals Slowly, don’t Fear the Future
  5. Intentions do not Win Hearts, Actions are the Secret, How to Start Connecting Today for a Happier Tomorrow
  6. Say Yes to Everything and Reveal the Secret of the Heart
  7. Learn to Speak the Language of the Heart
  8. Become a Sex Master and Learn How to Heal the Heart with the Body
  9. It’s Time to Get Some Help, Starting Today
  10. Rekindling the Flame Can Sometimes Burn Too Hot, Use Caution While Reconnecting
  11. Some Words about Physical, Sexual, Verbal and Emotional Abuse

First and foremost, accept that you are here, in the position you likely thought you’d never find yourself in.  Maybe you already understand why you’re in this position, maybe you don’t.

Regardless, accept it…you can’t resolve it until you accept it!

Understanding will come, but to get to the next step you have to accept that you and your love aren’t in the same emotional reality you thought you were.  Denying that fact will only prolong, and likely help drive your partner further away.

Whether your partner is your husband, your wife, or whatever, a lot of the issues are the same.  The driving force behind this life-altering change may be quite different, and how one approaches reconciliation might differ in the details, but many of the stages are similar.

More likely than not, you’re thinking that this was very sudden.  You’re probably reeling because it feels like this came out of the blue.

You likely have even expressed this to your spouse in utter disbelief.  It’s possible the conversation then degraded into anger, anguish or both…and more.

I can tell you with 99% certainty that this is not something that just happened.  Your lover has been feeling this way for months, maybe even years.

The reason you didn’t know anything about this or saw it coming is simply the fact that:

  1. You were too distracted to notice
  2. Your partner continued to act the same
  3. Your partner wasn’t even sure what was happening…until they were
  4. All of the above, and probably more reasons

Right now, it’s not nearly as important to know the why’s and the how’s.  What is important is to accept that this is happening, this is real, and that it doesn’t have to be the end, even if it feels like it.

It’s not impossible that there is someone else, it happens all the time.  What I’m telling you is that it’s just as likely that there isn’t someone new.

So, unless you KNOW with certainty, and I mean you have proof, or they’ve admitted it, don’t make things worse by getting aggressive and making accusations.  Asking, respectfully and humbly, is acceptable though proper timing is important.  If they say that there is no one else, then accept it as truth and put it out of your mind, at least for now.

Also, know that even if there is someone else, all hope is not lost!  Of course, unless you too want to end things.

I can tell you from experience because I was in the same boat as you.  I never thought in a million years that my devoted wife, the best friend I ever had, the mother of my children, my compatriot, my confidant, my whole world and my love…would ever consider leaving my side for good.

The thought had never really even crossed my mind.  Well I mean sure, in passing, but I always dismissed it as an impossibility.  But as someone that believes nothing is impossible…I should have known better.  All things are possible in an infinite universe…then it’s also possible to recover from this travesty!

We both came from solid backgrounds, no divorce on either side for as far back as we both know.  We knew, I mean we KNEW we would never split for anything, let alone get a divorce.

…there, I said it.  You don’t know, but that word was a word that was only ever uttered when speaking of less fortunate, likely very stupid people.  People that loved drama or lacked commitment.  That word was for “others”, not for us, not ever.  How sweet…how naïve.

We’d made a pact, a commitment, not only to ourselves and God, but to our unborn children when we got married.  This is something I took very seriously, and I thought she did too!  Us splitting up just simply could NOT happen!

But it happened just the same.  It doesn’t matter who’s fault it was, it doesn’t matter why it happened, it only mattered that it did, and that I accept that it was happening, and since I controlled only one aspect of the relationship, it meant I had no control over her, and no control over our future.   Well, at least no direct control.

I know, accepting that is WAY easier said than done.

You have to accept it though, even though you don’t presently fully understand why it’s happening.  The why will come, and maybe…just maybe, you too will have the happy ending that we (my wife and I) ultimately got to, though the journey is far from over, and I’ve realized…it never will be.

That’s real commitment, if you get through this you’ll be closer than ever.  You’ll trust more, you’ll love deeper and harder, your pain will give you strength over the years and you’ll know true joy that will power you through all that life throws at you both!

But first…Accept that your partner is in a place that you are not.  Accept that, for now, they may actually not love you like they did.  Sure, they care whether you live or die.  In fact, they likely want you to be happy.

They simply don’t see you in their future anymore.  For them this has been a long process, and it did not just happen!  Now, they’ve made up their mind and their decision is set.

For the next step in your journey, go to:  What do I do with this Broken Heart?  Avoid Requests for Space and Use Your Head to Think about what You Want

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It’s Normal for Your Heart to be Afraid, but fighting for the Past Will Mean the End, So Start Accepting Your New Beginning
Article Name
It’s Normal for Your Heart to be Afraid, but fighting for the Past Will Mean the End, So Start Accepting Your New Beginning
Description
It’s a shattering experience to suddenly be faced with the potential loss of someone that you never imagined life without. Understanding will come, but to get to the next step you have to accept that you and your love aren’t in the same emotional reality you thought you were. Denying that fact will only prolong, and likely help drive your partner further away.
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Freedom is a Journey

6 thoughts on “It’s Normal for Your Heart to be Afraid, but fighting for the Past Will Mean the End, So Start Accepting Your New Beginning

  1. Jackie

    I feel like if a relationship is not growing it’s dying. People only leave for one reason and that’s because one of their needs are not being met. My first marriage fell apart after 10 years mostly due to neglect. I accepted it quickly because I knew for awhile it was over…but it took him awhile longer. By the time someone is ready to leave, so much damage has been done. It doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed, but oh boy, there’s a lot of honest work that needs to happen first…and of course a willingness on both sides.

    Reply
    1. Jack Post author

      True words Jackie!

      It’s a much harder thing to fix something that is broken, than it is to start over. One big problem is the baggage of course. It’s very hard to work through the pain, extend your heart, work past resentment, and learn to love someone in a new way, than it is to love someone else new while letting the old slip away.

      But like when one restores a worn and ragged, but beloved piece of furniture that has endured time with you, there’s a certain reward that is immeasurable beyond words that comes with that restoration.

      A person that trusted, then lost that trust, then regained that trust a second time but in a more worthy way, trusts more deeply, more completely.

      That’s the goal, not to give up and walk away, but to put in the time to make what was once pure, whole and worthy again.

      It’s a sad fact that there are times that no matter how hard two people try to work things out that differences are irreconcilable, but I think people give up too soon sometimes too. It’s too easy these days for spite to be interchangeably used with the word “principal”, and our societies are too focused on vengeance taking advice from Dr. Phil, and other day time talk show shock masters.

      I’m glad you found happiness, and wish you countless happy days to come!

      Thank for commenting Jackie!

      Reply
  2. Stijn

    I can feel this comes from a person that has been through a lot when it comes to relationships and I’m sure a lot of people will find this situation recognizable. I hope they are getting the support they needed in their friends and family. Unfortunately we’re not all blessed with loving friends and family, so reading this can be a real support for these people as they feel they’re not alone in this situation.

    Reply
    1. Jack Post author

      It is hard. But even when you have many friends and family members that care about you, it’s difficult to reach out for fear of judgment. Judgment that could be targeted toward you, or toward the person that you love.

      It’s difficult to find someone that can give you the type of justifiable, righteous outrage you need to feel understood, while still withholding final judgment, understanding that someday you might just reconcile with your lover.

      I’ve seen friends and family members that fuel the fire, taking sides and burning bridges, or worse helping one or the other burn bridges between each other.

      The problem with this type of behavior, however well intentioned, is that if the two experiencing rocky times ever get back together, then it often leads to hard feelings between the people involved.

      Then there’s even more pain to contend with.

      It’s important that family members and friends sympathize without judgment, understanding that people are people and that they’re imperfect. I’ve never seen a relationship where only one person is entirely to blame for the outcome, bitter or sweet.

      Friends and family that are confided in need to help you see where your faults lay, not just agree with you about your lover’s faults. They need to help you understand the other perspective. A paradigm shift is often hard to come by, especially a two way paradigm shift.

      Thanks for taking the time to comment!

      Reply
  3. Netta

    Hey Jack:

    You’re right. Until you can accept that what’s done IS done, it’s really hard to move past it. Trying to hang on to what’s already gone is like trying to move when you’re all wrapped up in duct tape. Not easy at all.

    A very informative read that touches on a heart-wrenching subject. Thank you.

    Reply
    1. Jack Post author

      That’s a great analogy, Netta! Our emotional and psychological “duct tape” tends to get in the way of just about everything we do, and it can be VERY difficult to get past, especially when you are in the throes of emotional turmoil.

      It is a heart-wrenching topic, but one that so many go through. I know how it feels, and believe me, when it happens to you, you need all the help you can get.

      Coping with, and accepting the new reality is something that has to be covered prior to coming out the other side and shedding the proverbial “duct tape”. 🙂

      Thanks for the comment Netta, hope to see you back here again in the future!

      Reply

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